


Still Life in Pale Green

by forgetme



Category: Naruto
Genre: Caretaking, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Post Fourth War, Post-Canon, Present Tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-16
Updated: 2013-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-26 18:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/968980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slowly and reluctantly Gai learns the art of giving up hope. Or does he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Life in Pale Green

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Stillleben in Blassgrün](https://archiveofourown.org/works/966300) by [forgetme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetme/pseuds/forgetme). 



 

 

 

 

Four days after the end of the war, Gai brings Kakashi home, home into Kakashi's small, unchanged apartment.

The decision had been an incredibly easy one. It fit neatly into Gai's plan to leave everything, absolutely _everything_ , exactly the way it had been before the war.

As soon as Kakashi got back to being himself again – which, for all they knew, could happen tomorrow! – he was supposed to find everything the way he'd left it. It would be as if he had been gone for just a moment, as if he'd only gone out for a little walk.

Gai was proud of his plan because it was Right, not Wrong. Leaving his rival at the hospital or the rehabilitation center would have been Wrong. Popping by for nothing more than a few visits would have been Wrong.

Giving up hope would have been Wrong.

And yet, there's a lump in his throat during this strange moment, now that they're standing in the semi-dark hallway of Kakashi's apartment. Kakashi's hand hangs limply in his, unnaturally weak and lifeless, lukewarm like leftover soup.

Gai despises weakness, lack of motivation and the faintheartedness he suspects at the root of such emotional deficiencies. Kakashi, however, is sick. He can't help it, and as soon as he's better…

Just barely, Gai manages to suppress a sigh. He generally refuses to utter something like that, a sound of _resignation_! And he most definitely refuses to utter it in front of Kakashi! His rival can hear everything he says, Gai is sure of that.

"We're home," he announces instead, his voice defiant and injected with forced happiness, hardly trembling at all.

Dusty silence is the empty apartment's only answer.

Nothing but Kakashi's breathing is audible, soft and regular, filtered by his mask. He's wearing his usual outfit, minus the vest. Gai'd dressed him in the morning, just like Shizune'd shown him – as if he didn't know how to dress someone!

Even Gai himself is surprised by the sudden flare of anger in his stomach at the thought of Shizune, Tsunade and Sakura, who, after all, were only taking their work seriously. They'd wanted to prepare him well because they were worried about Kakashi. Gai had no right to be mad at them.

He pushes the memory of the hours he spent under their tutelage away. The whole time, until the very last day, they kept gently – Sakura and Shizune – and not so gently – Tsunade-sama – reminding him that he could withdraw his offer at any time if the task seemed too difficult.

As if anything had ever seemed too difficult to him, Maito Gai!

As if he'd ever give up that easily!

* * *

_The worst part was changing him._

_Gai had expected this. He'd mentally prepared for it; at least he thought he had._

_But in the end, when Kakashi stood in front of him, naked except for the clearly full diaper—_

_When Gai saw that vacant gaze, the pale, almost translucent, skin, when Gai smelled him then…_

_Nothing could have prepared him for that. For feeling like his ribs were slowly bending inwards, mercilessly sucked in by the black hole of pity in his chest, born of his broken heart._

_Pity, the most gentle form of contempt, and Gai felt it for Hatake Kakashi, whom he had admired and loved his whole life._

_"You don't have to do this," Shizune said next to him. Her voice was so soft, so full of sympathy and understanding that Gai wanted to strangle her. He hated her then, just for being there, for witnessing this tragedy and for the fact that he couldn't fall to his knees and weep in front of her._

_He remained where he was, stock-still. He swallowed his tears until he felt like he was drowning in them._

_"Sakura doesn't do it either." Shizune put a comforting hand on his painfully tense biceps. "Kakashi-senpai wouldn't want her to."_

_Gai looked at her. There were dark shadows under her black, deeply sad eyes. Tiny wrinkles had dug into the skin around her pale lips. How many hours a day did she spend at the hospital? There weren't enough rooms for all the injured; there were barely enough beds. She had to be busy healing day and night. He knew her, she'd pump every bit of chakra her own heart didn't need for beating into her patients._

_Gai was ashamed, but still, he couldn't accept her words. He couldn't turn his back on Kakashi. Never on Kakashi._

_Decades ago he might still have been able to, on his first day at the academy, when he'd seen Kakashi for the very first time. This little four-year-old who looked like he'd gotten lost somehow and wandered into the entrance ceremony by accident, as if he'd merely ventured too far away from Mommy and Daddy. This little boy who, during their first taijutsu lesson, beat everyone else within minutes, effortlessly. Gai had chosen him way back then._

_He'd been Kakashi's rival ever since he first laid eyes on him, just like he'd been Lee's sensei ever since their first meeting in the academy courtyard._

_Maito Gai did not go back on his promises._

_"Don't worry, Shizune! This is nothing!" He laughed loud enough to drown out the white noise filling his ears and got to work._

* * *

_As soon as Gai was finished and Kakashi was lying clean and dry in his dreary hospital bed, Gai went to the first available training ground he could find and took it apart bit by bit, until there wasn't even one single blade of grass left growing in the torn up earth._

_"It gets easier with time," Shizune had told him. It was meant as a comfort, an encouragement, it was meant to ease his pain. She'd said it on instinct, and while Gai respected and loved her for that instinct, he loathed the implication that he would get used to the state Kakashi was in, that he would accept it._

_Because that would_ never _happen._

* * *

"Come on, Kakashi!" Gai smiles, he always smiles for his rival, and even though Kakashi cannot answer him, Gai is sure that his smile reaches him. He believes in that with all his heart.

He takes Kakashi's sandals off in the hallway, one after the other. It's a good thing Kakashi can still stand without help, even on just one leg, while Gai is kneeling on the floor in front of him. It's good, but it's strange.

Nobody knows what Obito did to him to leave Kakashi in this sorry state, no one apart from Obito himself, but he is too dead to explain anything.

If he was still alive, Gai would have gotten answers. Using whatever means necessary. He _would_ have gotten them.

Taking his hand again, Gai leads Kakashi into the kitchen where he pushes him gently down onto a chair. Sitting upright is another one of the few things Kakashi is still capable of.

Kakashi sits mutely and motionlessly in his bare kitchen, staring straight ahead, past Gai, at an invisible spot above the dripping faucet.

For a few seconds Gai studies his rival's expressionless face. It's a terrible, tragic moment, one Gai refused to believe would ever come to pass.

* * *

_They were having a meeting in Kakashi's hospital room as well as was possible between beds occupied by other unconscious patients. Kakashi was only one of many, that was something Gai had to realize again and again, every time he entered Konoha's crowded hospital. And yet, for him, Kakashi would always be the one that mattered._

_Gai looked down at his rival's pale face and felt the by now familiar pang in his chest._

_Someone had pulled the white blanket up to Kakashi's nose where it fluttered, stirred by Kakashi's breath. The only sign of life from him, and barely one strong enough to be visible._

_"The chakra flow in his brain is completely… messed up." Sakura was standing at the foot of the bed, arms crossed in front of her chest. To Gai, her pink hair looked somehow paler than usual, almost washed out. Her head was turned slightly towards Naruto, who was standing next to Gai and fiddling with Kakashi's blanket like a restless child._

_"But other than that he's okay, right?" Naruto asked. He frowned at Kakashi._

_Shizune and Tsunade-sama exchanged a look that made something in Gai's stomach churn. The two of them already knew everything about Kakashi's condition there was to know, and yet Kakashi was still here, lying in a hospital bed. Their faces were serious, grim. It was hard to not be discouraged by the look in their eyes, but it was far too early to give up hope._

_"Okay?! He shows no response to anything," Sakura said. She sounded annoyed, but Gai knew that it was mostly worry that gnawed on her. Lashing out at Naruto was just a reflex._

_"I know, but he's alive, right? As long as he's alive, there's gotta be something we can do! We just have to find out what it is!" Naruto was a boy right to Gai's taste. There was nothing but determination in those piercing blue eyes._

_"Exactly! Whatever you need to help him—"_

_"We don't know what we need, senpai. We know almost nothing." Shizune had interrupted him before he could make his promise. Her voice was soft but firm, her eyes held an apology._

_"Whatever Obito did… It definitely wasn't a jutsu we know," Tsunade-sama said. "The chakra flow in his brain… Playing around with that without having a clue what we're dealing with would be far too dangerous."_

_Gai felt the first cold rush of horror. Was she really saying what he thought she was? Giving up was out of the question! He took a deep breath._

_Naruto, however, was faster._

_"Does that mean, we should just sit around and do nothing?!"_

_"What do you_ want _to do?!"_

_"We're allied with every nation, there's gotta be someone somewhere—"_

_"You think we haven't thought of that yet? God, Naruto, sometimes…"_

_"I'm not going to give up now! Not after we've won the war, not now that we finally have peace! Kakashi-sensei has to see this, Sakura! We've come so far, he_ has _to see this!"_

_"Nobody said anything about giving up, Naruto… but…"_

_The argument between the two was over as quickly as it had begun._

_In the end, it had no winner._

* * *

_Sooner or later they are going to heal him. So maybe it will be a little later, but they are definitely going to find a cure. This was the belief Gai had carried in his heart ever since Obito's dimension had spat out Kakashi. Ever since Gai had seen his rival lying motionlessly on the bloody ground._

* * *

Within an almost disillusioning short amount of time, Gai develops a routine.

He sleeps on a futon on the floor next to Kakashi's bed. He gets up in the morning, waits for Kakashi to wake up, then he takes him to the bathroom where he takes care of everything that needs taking care of before dressing him. After that, he leads Kakashi into the kitchen, puts him into his chair and makes breakfast.

It doesn't take him long to get used to feeding Kakashi. Kakashi chews and swallows, but Gai can't get him to pick anything up himself or even just to hold something in his hands.

For the longest time, Gai has been wondering about that. Kakashi eats. Doesn't that mean that he still has his sense of taste? That he can perceive some things after all?

Sometimes Gai touches Kakashi's thin lips, traces them with his index finger. He can get Kakashi to open his mouth as easily as he can lead his rival around by his hand.

"Can you feel this, Kakashi?" he asks loudly, enunciating every word carefully, as if Kakashi was simply a little hard of hearing.

Nothing.

Hesitantly, Gai pushes his finger forward. Watching his Kakashi's lips open, granting his finger entry without resistance, the sight is almost obscene. Kakashi's teeth are warm and smooth to the touch; they're sharp and a little whiter than they used to be. Gai brushes them very thoroughly three times a day. Sometimes brushing Kakashi's teeth feels almost more intimate than all the other things Gai has to do for his friend.

He touches Kakashi's tongue and tries out an ANBU code, a sequence of little taps with varying pressure. _I'm here._

No reaction.

He squeezes Kakashi's hand and waits for a response. Kakashi's fingers, however, never even twitch.

He talks to Kakashi, all the time.

He keeps trying.

Day after day.

* * *

After lunch Gai takes Kakashi along for a walk through the village. Kakashi can walk – he may stumble once in a while as if he had suddenly forgotten how to do it properly, but at least he's walking.

On the one hand it's a comfort to Gai – it is definitely better than having Kakashi lie in bed all day, pale and motionless like a corpse – but on the other hand…

They get _looks._ Gai has never been bothered by that kind of thing, but Kakashi used to be slightly different in that regard. Would he be ashamed if he was aware of them? And, once he's cured, will he be embarrassed by the fact that Gai used to hold his hand as if he was a little kid – or as if they were a couple?

It doesn't matter, though. Gai can't afford to think about it. Kakashi needs the exercise and that's all there is to it.

* * *

On their walks they frequently run into old friends. Gai never ceases to be amazed by how differently people react to Kakashi. People who have known him for years.

Despite their many duties and busy schedules, Sakura and Naruto never simply walk past Kakashi. They always come over and talk to him and Gai, quite often they'll walk with them for a bit or visit Kakashi at the apartment.

Gai sees Sakura anyway, whenever he takes Kakashi to the hospital where she works on finding a cure for him with Shizune, Ino, Tsunade-sama and Aoba. The more time Gai spends with her, the more his respect for her grows. His greatest wish is that Kakashi would wake up from his trance so he could see the splendid shinobi his students have become.

Sasuke is a little different. Gai rarely sees him. Sasuke is in the habit of vanishing when Naruto and Sakura decide to go see Kakashi, and whenever Gai does happen to catch a glimpse of Sasuke, he can't seem to spare more than a vague nod for his sensei and completely avoids Gai's eyes.

"Sasuke's just totally crippled, emotionally" is all Naruto ever has to say on the topic.

Sakura, however, tells Gai that Sasuke occasionally "happens" to help out with their work on a cure.

When it comes to his own students, Gai couldn't be any prouder. Tenten and Lee visit him whenever they've got the time. Just like Sakura and Naruto they constantly offer to watch Kakashi so Gai can go training. He rarely takes them up on it, though. It's not that he doesn't trust them – he'd _never_ doubt them! – but he simply hates leaving Kakashi behind. Being there for Kakashi, whatever happens, that was Gai's promise, _he_ is the one who has to keep it.

* * *

He cooks for Kakashi every day. He's always enjoyed cooking and now that he's got so much time on his hands, he likes to be even more adventurous, to try out as many new recipes as possible.

Kakashi has never been a terribly picky eater. Much to Gai's dismay he's never shown any interest in food that went beyond filling his stomach.

Still, Gai cooks Kakashi's favorite dishes, sometimes spruced up a bit or with an interesting new twist – curry powder goes with everything! Deep down inside Gai hopes Kakashi can taste how badly Gai wants to communicate with him, how badly he misses him. Every meal is a message.

Gai shovels rice into Kakashi's mouth and watches him chew. It looks almost mechanical. Watching Kakashi eat, it always reminds him of their eating contests. Kakashi used to be an incredibly fast eater, a damn near invincible opponent in that field. Those memories used to drive Gai crazy and usually lead him to issuing a re-challenge. These days, they elicit a smile, one as colorless as Kakashi's stained wallpaper.

A small amount of soy sauce dribbles from the corner of Kakashi's mouth, down his chin.

Gai picks up the damp washcloth he keeps for this purpose at the corner of the table and lovingly wipes Kakashi's mouth.

* * *

In the evenings Gai draws a bath for Kakashi. He undresses him, washes him and puts him into the tub. Gai makes sure to perform all of these steps quickly and automatically, he makes sure not to look at Kakashi too closely – and if he does, then only with clinical detachment, to make sure Kakashi doesn't have any injuries or rashes.

He knows Kakashi's body as well as he knows his own, it was like that even before the war. Still. To stare at him like that, just because he can, that would be Wrong. Kakashi is at his mercy, completely helpless. He has no will of his own anymore.

Gai hums softly to himself as he shampoos Kakashi's hair, an old melody, something his mother might have sung to him once. He doesn't quite remember. His mother is barely more than a pale shadow on his memory. She has no face. That's always the first thing Gai loses. Faces.

Kakashi hangs his head a little. He may be tired. Gai wonders whether Kakashi can still feel even something as simple as tiredness. Or hope.

He wonders what Kakashi sees.

* * *

Gai lifts Kakashi out of the tub and makes sure to dry him off thoroughly before dressing him for bed and brushing his teeth.

Every night, Gai is a little proud of himself for having gotten through another day.

One day closer to Kakashi's cure! he tells himself.

Then he looks at Kakashi lying in bed, his eye still open, staring at the ceiling, the rise and fall of his chest the only indication that he's still alive. No matter how often Gai sees him like that, it's always painful. He feels something stir deep in his heart. Doubt.

There is this soft voice in his head, whispering suddenly, "Are you really this naïve, old man? Do you really believe that he'll ever be the same again? The only thing that you've gotten closer to is death! Yours or his, it makes no difference!"

Just like back then at the waterfall, only even more bitter.

Gai bites his lip until he tastes blood. As penance, he will do five hundred pushups before going sleep!

First he reads to Kakashi, though. Not Icha Icha – that would be inappropriate! – but some random adventure novel, stories about battles, suffering and triumph at the end. That's important because Gai hates stories without happy endings. If a brave hero is denied his reward after a long struggle, Gai feels betrayed. He doesn't understand why anyone would want to write stories like that.

They just make him incredibly angry.

* * *

At some point, Kakashi's eye slips shut; he falls asleep. Gai takes a deep breath then and closes the book. Now he can sigh.

In the yellow light from the lamp, Kakashi, once he's fast asleep, looks like himself again, no longer like some kind of lifeless Kakashi-doll.

Gai spends a few heartbeats simply looking at him. He feels trapped between so many conflicting emotions that pull at him, seem to tear him apart. Despair, fear, anger, defiance, disappointment, determination, hope. Love.

He switches off the light and, before he goes to sleep, does a thousand pushups in the dark.

* * *

Kakashi's daily hospital visits turn into weekly ones, soon they become monthly.

"There isn't much left that we haven't already tried," Sakura says.

"If my dad was still… maybe…" Ino shakes her head.

Shizune gently strokes Kakashi's arm and looks into Gai's eyes. She doesn't say anything.

At some point, Gai stops counting the days.

* * *

One day, Gai suddenly remembers his old apartment where all of his possessions are collecting dust. He makes a suggestion to his students.

Lee is more than a little shocked until Gai assures him that he'd been planning to move anyway. As soon as Kakashi was okay again, Gai would find a bigger apartment. Lee calms down a bit after hearing that.

Tenten declares that she would kill to get Gai's dishwasher. There's a certain spark in her eyes when she says it that makes it hard to gauge just how serious she is.

In the end she simply decides to move in completely. Everything she doesn't want, she throws into a big box, labeled "LEE" in black marker. Gai and Lee, who helped her with her furniture, watch her while Kakashi sits on the floor, as apathetic as ever.

Gai enjoys the day. He catches himself brushing his hand through Kakashi's hair, in a friendly manner reminiscent of old times. For a second he can almost forget…

But no, there's not a single corner in his apartment that isn't filled with memories.

Like the dent in the wall Gai's first Konoha daisenpuu made – which taught him not to invent new fighting moves in his living-room - or the rickety old kitchen table where Kakashi tried Gai's homemade curry for the first time –a moment Kakashi used to describe  as his first near death experience.

In his bedroom Gai does a slow 360 degree turn, to take it all in for one last time, while Tenten and Lee clear out his shelf.

* * *

He's in the middle of taking an old poster off his wall – a picturesque sunset with an inspirational message printed beneath the photo – thinking that maybe he could put it up in Kakashi's living-room, when he feels the atmosphere in the room change.

Suddenly, Lee and Tenten are as quiet and as still as if they're on a mission in enemy territory.

Gai turns around to see what's going on. He leaves the poster hanging on the wall, crookedly, one corner flapping down.

Tenten is standing in front of the shelf, facing Lee, she's holding a slim scroll in her hand. Gai recognizes it immediately. He feels a small jolt, like an electric shock, from his toes to the tip of his hair. They all just keep standing there, staring at the scroll. Brittle paper with a bright gold edge, arched black characters that look as if they're going to rise from their paper confines any second. The scroll contains a long essay, a comparison between Strong and Gentle Fist, written by a legendary shinobi, during the time when the clans where still nomadic. Gai forked out the pay for five A-rank missions for it, without hesitation, back when he spotted it in a tiny pawnshop near Kumogakure.

Gai doesn't believe in fate, but when he found this scroll, he did for a moment feel like it was a preordained event, that the scroll was meant for Neji and no one else. Gai simply had to buy it.

The scroll had been his present to Neji on the occasion of his appointment to jounin and Gai is certain that his two students are remembering that moment right now. When they were all sitting in Gai's living-room and Gai solemnly handed Neji the scroll.

"Thank you, sensei," Neji said. It had been a genuine thank you, a real one suffused with gratitude for more than just the present. Gai could see it in Neji's eyes, in the way he was holding himself, in his faint bow. Neji had never been a very open person. His emotions were something he kept carefully locked away inside, and no matter how sharp their edges or how acidic, he swallowed them down.

It would have been easy for him to slip, just like Sasuke. In some ways, Gai used to think, Neji would have had the right to lose his way, at least as much as Kakashi's misguided student. But Neji didn't. Instead he grew up to become a young man who filled Gai with an unbelievable amount of pride.

Gai still remembers the day, down to the smallest detail. He remembers the fierce hug he forced on Neji, how Neji's shoulders gradually relaxed as he embraced him, and how Neji finally returned the hug. Of course, he pulled a face and, with an annoyed sigh, squirmed out of Gai's embrace after a little more than twenty seconds. Gai'd laughed and quickly tousled up Neji's hair and Neji had let him.

The helpless expression on Tenten's face tells Gai everything. She's thinking about Neji, remembering that day, how happy and carefree they'd been then. Lee's hands clench into fists. It's the same for him.

Only Kakashi, sitting on the floor, remains unaffected, having himself been transformed into a mere symbol of loss.

"You want to keep this, right, sensei?" Tenten takes a small step in his direction and Lee turns around, his gaze swiveling back and forth between Gai and the scroll.

Gai feels his stomach clench. There's something else the scroll reminds him of.

* * *

_One day after the funeral, Hiashi-sama sent for him. At that point, Gai didn't have a clue what was waiting for him at the Hyuuga compound. He'd only been there once before, years ago, shortly after Sandaime-sama had assigned him his team._

_Back then the head of the Hyuuga had merely stared at him coldly for a while and then told him more or less indirectly that he had better think carefully about what was expected of him as Neji's teacher. Gai'd laughed and thanked Hiashi a little too loudly for his "sage" advice, then he'd quickly slapped Hiashi's shoulder, as hard as he could. He'd made Hiashi spill his tea into his lap. If looks could've killed…_

_Gai didn't like Hiashi, and he would have bet his right arm that the feeling was mutual._

_He went with mixed feelings. Officially his ties to the clan were now cut, and yet…_

_Hiashi-sama was waiting for him in the courtyard garden between the wooden buildings. The whole compound was quiet, seemingly deserted. Hiashi wore the same outfit he'd worn to the funeral, black yukata and hakama. Gai had come in his usual getup, in green and orange._

_"I believe this belongs to you." Hiashi offered the scroll to Gai, holding it in both hands. His head was slightly bowed; everything about his demeanor was completely formal. His hands were as white as the paper._

_Gai felt nauseous. Before his eyes flashed visions of clan members, servants, cleaning out Neji's room, going through his things._

_"It belongs to Neji," he said defiantly._

_For a second, Hiashi seemed to be stunned. He blinked once, then his thin eyebrows furrowed in something that_ _in a less repressed man_ _might have been anger._

_"This object is… very valuable. Neji was quite fond of it. It would be a shame to leave it to dust and decay." Hiashi's colorless gaze was hard and unyielding. "Consider it a memento, something to help you remember my nephew."_

_Gai didn't need any mementos. As if something like that were necessary, as if he'd simply forget Neji unless he had some objects to which to tie his memory of his student!_

_Hiashi's pale face made Gai angry, his posture made Gai angry, the overly tidy garden made him angry._

_He grabbed the scroll. The paper crinkled and bent under the pressure of his fingers._

_Hiashi let go and bowed deeply, arms held stiffly at his sides._

_"Thank you for everything you've done for my nephew," he said._

_Gai bowed quickly and sloppily._

_He left without saying another word._

* * *

"Gai-sensei?" Lee looks at him.

Gai shakes his head. He can still see Hiashi-sama, his serious expression, his empty gestures.

"It belongs to Neji. He should have it," he says with conviction.

Lee stares, mouth open in shock. "Sensei…"

Outside the sun is setting, dipping the room in red light. Between Gai and his students a sad silence unfolds. It's hard to bear. Pressure is building as if all three of them – four with Kakashi – were slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

In the end, it's Tenten who breaks free first. In one big stride she is in front of Lee, gives his chest a little shove.

"…We should make a box for him. If we're really getting some of sensei's stuff, Neji should, too."

Gai smiles. She's said exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Huh?" Lee looks from Tenten to Gai and back to Tenten again. His beautiful eyes are even bigger than usual. He doesn't seem to trust his ears.

"Just do it, Lee!" Tenten punches his upper arm. "I want us to get this done sometime today!"

* * *

It's strange how fast and confidently they set about their task. Tenten grabs a cardboard box and writes Neji's name on it in big black characters. Then the three of them begin their hunt for things Neji might have wanted.

In the end, the apartment is left containing only the things Tenten wants to keep for herself. Lee has to carry his box home – it's filled with Gai's training equipment and weighs a ton.

After that, all four of them go to the training field where Team Gai had their first training exercise together.

It's a starry night. The moon shines so brightly that one can see every single leaf on the trees at the edge of the field. Everything has this soft silvery glow, most of all of course Kakashi's hair, which moves gently in the light breeze.

Tenten and Lee set Neji's box down in the middle of the field. She'd insisted on carrying it.

Gai and Lee collect stones and put them in a circle around the full cardboard box. A green sleeve is hanging over the side, touching the tips of the dew dampened grass. Despite Tenten's protests, Gai had been firm on this. Some things are mandatory on Team Gai.

"Sensei…" Tenten sits in the grass, knees pulled to her chest, arms wrapped around them. She turns her head away from him, towards the box, motioning.

Lee is sitting next to her, lotus-style. He's got tears in his eyes already.

Kakashi is sitting exactly where Gai left him.

The night is clear and cold.

Gai pulls a book of matches out of the pocket of his vest.

The fire will warm them up.

* * *

Team Gai has always had a certain reputation. Gai himself might have been to blame for it. He knows that, has always known it. He's proud of it.

Crazy.

Maybe they really are.

* * *

The fire blazes in their midst.

Lee sobs loudly into the bandage on his right arm.

Gai's tears flow freely down his cheeks, dripping off his chin onto his vests where they're absorbed by the fabric.

Tenten wipes her red eyes with her sleeve and mumbles something about the stinging smoke.

Kakashi simply sits there, shadows twitching across his face, flames dancing in his black pupils.

* * *

Kakashi falls asleep like that. Right there in the grass.

Gai carries him home on his back. It feels exactly like it did years ago.

Kakashi's breath tickles his neck.

* * *

That night, Gai stands at Kakashi's bedside, looks at his sleeping friend and thinks of Neji.

_I miss the two of you so much._

The thought startles him. It's a betrayal.

Gai will do ten thousand pushups before he goes to sleep.

* * *

The next morning he wakes up on the floor, his arms hurting, knowing that he never made it past nine thousand three hundred sixty-two.

* * *

One week before the third anniversary of the end of the fourth shinobi world war, Gai takes Kakashi to the hospital.

Aoba opens the door to the exam room for them. Right behind him are Ino, Sakura and Shizune. Naruto apparently hasn't been able to tear himself away from his duties as Hokage.

Gai doesn't sigh, instead he grins and strikes his Nice-Guy-pose. "Today is the day! I just know it!" He gives Kakashi a gentle push, meant to encourage him. "Don't you think so, Kakashi?"

As always, Kakashi remains silent.

Sakura and Shizune smile tiredly, Ino sighs in annoyance and Aoba merely spares him a bored glance.

They guide Kakashi to the exam table and sit him down.

Gai takes a few steps back, folding his arms. He feels nothing. Their last hospital visit was more than three months ago.

Ino, Sakura and Shizune don't really have anything new to try out. They can only repeat their old attempts. Failed attempts. Aoba has been telling him that for a while now. _It's better to keep your expectations realistic, Gai… There's a reason Tsunade-sama doesn't come to these things anymore…_

Gai watches as the three take their usual positions. Aoba stands directly in front of Kakashi, one hand on Kakashi's forehead, Ino is one step behind Aoba, her fingers resting on her own temples. Sakura and Shizune stand on either side of Kakashi.

Gai closes his eyes. He has seen this a million times. And yet…

Hope.

It swells inside of him like a soap bubble. He can't put a stop to it although he _wants_ to. He _doesn't want_ to hope anymore.

When the bubble bursts this time, will it finally tear him apart?

* * *

Someone gasps for air.

Gai's eyes snap open.

Blood drips from Aoba's nose. He staggers sideways and stumbles. Sakura, Shizune and Ino immediately hurry to his side, just like Gai, who moves forward on instinct.

Aoba kneels on the tiled floor. Gai can see that while Aoba is still bleeding a little, he's also trying to get the women to give him some space."I'm okay," he says, "it was just a bit much. Ouch."

Sakura, Ino and Shizune exchange worried glances.

"Are you sure?"

"Can you take off your sunglasses so we can have a look? Just in case?"

Aoba tries to fight off any attempts to take off his sunglasses.

Gai sighs in relief. Nothing's happened. While the four are still arguing about the sunglasses, he looks over to Kakashi.

Who seems to be holding his head, moaning softly.

Gai blinks. Suddenly he feels like his chest is filling with hot air, incredibly light but also excruciatingly painful. He has never been so terrified.

Kakashi raises his head and looks at him. His eyes have a strange, wet gleam to them. His jaw is moving under his mask as if he wants to speak but doesn't quite remember how to go about it. Gai couldn't have described the expression on his rival's face, much less read it.

Kakashi seems shaky, helpless, the exact same way Gai feels.

Finally, Kakashi raises his right hand, carefully, up to shoulder-level and gently moves it in the tiniest of waves.

When he speaks, his voice is brittle, barely above a whisper.

"Yo," he says.

end.


End file.
